Monday, November 21, 2011

Givin' Ya'll the Bird

Yes, friends and neighbors, it is the Oven-Door-Blowing Turkey Recipe, or as we say in our house ...Thanksgiving Dinner!  Various members of my family, and even a vegetarian friend, have made this recipe for the last 20-odd years and no one's died yet.

Buy A Big Bird (seriously here, the biggest bird you can find) and a huge bottle of red wine.
Stuff It (the bird, people, the bird!)
Rub It Down - (again, I am referring to the bird, but what you do in your own household is your own dang business) It's gonna be eaten, for the love of God.  Let it go out in style!

The Rub
melted butter
shots of A1
a little red wine

Roast It
525F uncovered 30 minutes
sip a glass or 3 of the remaining red wine.

Haul that turkey out of the oven and douse it well with red wine. Soak a linen towel with red wine and lay it over the bird.  Douse it with more red wine...this bird feels no pain!  Cover it with most of a normal sized roll of tin foil.  Think "air-tight,"  sealed for the apocalypse, metallic fortress.

Shove Big Bird back into a 450F oven for 90 minutes.  Offer whoever is sitting with you some wine and wait for the oven door to blow open and flames to shoot out.  Look smug as your guest spills wine all over her shirt.  After 90 minutes, turn off the oven.  Do not open the door.  Not even for a peek. Kick the bottle, making threats of bodily injury to anyone who may open either the oven or bedroom door while you sleep.

The next morning, drink a large glass of ice water.  Look suspiciously at the dog to ensure she has not developed opposable thumbs and opened the oven door in the night.  Choke down aspirin and don sunglasses.  Take Big Bird out of the oven and pry off the darkened tin foil.  Strip off the towel.  Baste the birdie and re-cover with the tin foil.  He goes back into a 400F oven for 1 hr.

Eat, drink and be merry!


  1. OK. I admit that I would call this Salmonella Turkey and possibly serve it with my Salmonella cookies, so people could get lots of yum from one salmonella event. -CK

  2. Over 20 years of eaters I personally know and no one has even had to run to the loo after eating the leftovers! It must be that it is kept warm enough and then securely brought back up to temperature. It MUST be stuffed, so perhaps that keeps the inside warm enough. Who knows, but it works and leaves you with a moist and delicious turkey!

  3. Looks amazing and awesome post!!